if you please

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if you please

1. If you are willing (to do something). Fetch my coat, if you please.
2. If you can believe (that something happened). This usage usually expresses the speaker's incredulity or irritation. Then, if you please, Scott asked out my ex-girlfriend! Right in front of me!
See also: if, please

if you please

 and if you would(, please) 
1. a polite phrase indicating assent to a suggestion. Bill: Shall I unload the car? Jane: If you please. Sue: Do you want me to take you to the station? Bob: If you would, please.
2. a polite phrase introducing or following a request. John: If you please, the driveway needs sweeping. Jane: Here's the broom. Have at it. Jane: Take these down to the basement, if you would, please. John: Can't think of anything I'd rather do, sweetie.
See also: if, please

if you ˈplease


1 (old-fashioned, formal) used when politely asking somebody to do something: Take a seat, if you please.
2 (old-fashioned, especially British English) used to say that you are annoyed or surprised at somebody’s actions: And now, if you please, he wants me to rewrite the whole thing!
See also: if, please
References in classic literature ?
"That could be supplied to you, if you would engage to keep at a distance," said Mr.
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