if you please

1. If you are willing (to do something). Fetch my coat, if you please. Barkeep, I'd like a Scotch on the rocks, if you please. Reginald, bring the car around, if you please—I'm ready to leave.

2. If you can believe (that something happened). This usage usually expresses the speaker's incredulity or irritation. Then, if you please, Scott asked out my ex-girlfriend! Right in front of me! And then, if you please, they just totally overlooked me and gave the promotion to Jenna! The nerve! And then, if you please, the teacher scolded me and no one else!

if you please

and if you would(, please)

1. a polite phrase indicating assent to a suggestion. Bill: Shall I unload the car? Jane: If you please. Sue: Do you want me to take you to the station? Bob: If you would, please.

2. a polite phrase introducing or following a request. John: If you please, the driveway needs sweeping. Jane: Here's the broom. Have at it. Jane: Take these down to the basement, if you would, please. John: Can't think of anything I'd rather do, sweetie.

if you ˈplease

1 (old-fashioned, formal) used when politely asking somebody to do something: Take a seat, if you please.
2 (old-fashioned, especially British English) used to say that you are annoyed or surprised at somebody’s actions: And now, if you please, he wants me to rewrite the whole thing!